The first day of spring was two days ago.
God clearly hates us.
What did we do?
We're Minnesotans. We're harmless. We go to bed early and take our vitamins. "Minnesota Nice" wouldn't exist without us!
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US, LORD????????????
I don't want much. I just want to un-clench my butt cheeks and wear the cute bomber jacket I got last fall that I could only wear for five minutes because winter wouldn't wait it's turn! And now winter is overstaying it's welcome like the narcissistic ass that it is, and I'm gonna blow a nut!
We have to do something. We're smart people. Winter is taking advantage of us and we don't have to put up with it anymore. It's very co-dependent, you guys and we live in the rehab capitol of the world. Folks come from all over to heal in Minnesota.
Let's show them why!
The twelve steps work here too.
Off we go:
1.) Admitted we were powerless over winter and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.) Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. (For me, it's my bomber jacket. You guys can put your own thing here).
3.) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. (It's not really God's fault that winter won't leave. That was my cold butt cheeks talking...and the cunning and baffling evil that is winter.)
4.) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (For instance, I let my roots grow too long. I think I was punishing myself because I thought I deserved it after being in an unhealthy relationship with winter.)
5.) Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (See step 4...I kind of multi-tasked there.)
6.) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. (Decided I could do something about my roots if I wanted to.)
7.) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. (I made an appointment for an all-over color with foils. Just take my lead here, people.)
8.) Made a list of all the people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. (Maybe you offended a bunch of strangers by going to Target in sweat pants...your winter-weight pair :@, maybe you stopped shoveling that elderly lady's walk, maybe you stopped sitting next to the other hockey moms at the last few games because you got tired of pretending you had anything in common with them and it started to feel like high school fakeness, and once again, you were the bitch - or something.)
9.) Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. (Yeah, do what you can here. Hockey moms are exempt. YES, I'M MAKING THE RULES!)
10.) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. (I haven't even stepped out of the house yet and I already have to make an amend for what I wrote in 8.)
11.) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. (Just checked in and God's will for me today is to shop online for the perfect spring boots. Yay!)
12.) Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others (done) and practice these principals in all our affairs.
Watch out, winter, we're detaching with love!
Okay, good luck everybody. And if you get the urge to shove that ice-scraper where it doesn't belong, call your sponsor. (That would be me...so comment to your sponsor.)
Peace.
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