Turd is the wurd

So I'm reading the latest on Charlie Sheen this morning and although I don't have anything to say about his slam on AA or his ability to convince his ex-wives to join his porn star possee, or his imaginary HBO show, I do have something to say about his silver tongue.

While regaling the Alex Jones radio show audience with a cracked-out rant a couple of days ago, he used a word that we must bring back to American slang.

Turd.

It's just so awesome!

It diffuses, entertains, cajoles and even calms in a way no other word can.

Watch.

"Honey, is that a turd in your salad?"

Hahahahaha!!!!

Fine. Maybe it's just me.

So Charlie was blathering on about his greatness and wealth and "healing" like so...

“I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”
"I’m sorry man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro."
“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”
“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

Um. Okay.

But then, after all that crazy, freaky verbal gymnastics, he responds to a question about the creator of Two And A Half Men by saying:

"He's a turd."

A turd? It's so fourth grade. So silly. So harmless. And the smartest thing he said all day. (Not in reference to the creator of the show. I don't know him and I'm sure he's lovely.) But that one little word brought him from nuts to normal (and back again) in one second.

And I think we should use the word far more often.

Check it out:

"With all due respect, Mr. President. I think you're being a turd."
"In closing, your honor, I would like to say that if you find the defendant "guilty" you are a turd."
"And he's safe at home plate! The Twins win the World Series. Man, that Yankees catcher must feel like a real turd."

Okay, it clearly doesn't take much to entertain me.

But it takes A LOT to entertain Charlie Sheen. (Not booze or drugs, though.) Noooo. He's cured.

And he is also a turd.

Here is one of the eleventy million links to his turdness: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1360488/Charlie-Sheen-rant-Two-And-A-Half-Men-halted-bizarre-radio-outburst.html#ixzz1F04teLQO

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc

This needs to stop now

Or I'm going to commit redrum.

Winter finally got to me this morning.

I had my day all laid out and was on track to keep everything moving in a positive direction when...

(INSERT LOUD EXPLETIVE HERE)

...As I walked outside to start my car, I came face-to-face with a huge, dense pile of bullsh*t at the end of my driveway, compliments of a snow plow.

After being in the kitchen for two hours, preparing a healthy breakfast and packing a healthy lunch for my boys before driving them to school (it takes time when you're anti Cheetos and Toaster Strudel.) the only way I could get through the snow pile was by attack...with swear-shoveling. (Something my dad taught me. )

You plunge the shovel into the pile and curse the crap out of it. Like so:

You son of a @#$!-ing, mother @#$!-ing, @$#!

You angrily insert the shovel and throw with equal enthusiasm during the @#$! parts. It really works. Especially when each shovel-full feels like an ACME anvil is buried inside.

It was brutal and I had to be quick because I didn't want to make my boys late, so the added anxiety made me cry too. Pretty.

I wasn't prepared to be outdoors at the time. (Just doing the daily start-the-car run) I was in my jammie pants, a tiny hoodie and Ugg boots, but no hat or gloves. My rage kept me warm, though.

And I managed to remove just enough @#$! snow to ram my truck through it in reverse.

The boys got to school on time, although they had to endure my Dennis Hopper hushed intensity the whole way, and they respectfully (or wisely) behaved like perfect gentlemen.

Later I made an appointment to get a massage (and I'm not a massage person. I don't like strangers touching me while whispering-EEEW) but after shoveling 6 times in the last 48 hours, I felt like I had been carrying a piano around over my head for two days. (I hadn't been. So it must have been the shoveling.)

The massage didn't help.

I'm still sore but now I'm creeped out and I smell like Ylang Ylang. Awesome.

I'm gonna go take a shower to wash off the feeling of violation and Spring better be here when I get out if it knows what's good for it.

How was your Tuesday?

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

HEALTHY Fast-Food Breakfast?

Even Paleo Dude knows that "healthy fast-food" is a whole lot of hooey. And he's just a STOOPID caveman.

Or is he?????????

If our little caveman read CNN.com's latest article entitled "America's Healthiest Fast-Food Breakfasts", (http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/02/18/fast.food.breakfast.health/index.html) it would be very clear to him that modern man put the moron in that oxymoron.

But before I launch into my nutrition-geek rant, let me say this:

I know this stuff is well intended.
I know people are trying.
I know people are suffering and desperate for answers.
I know that some health professionals are curious and some are studious.

The curious treat people. The studious treat symptoms.

The studious collaborated on this article.

And the article starts out with this quote: "The key to finding a healthy breakfast, says Christine Gerbstadt, MD, RD, spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association, is finding a good-for-you mix of complex carbs (like whole grains), protein, and healthy fats to keep you satisfied."

Kinda sorta.

(Before I continue, let me point out that I am a layperson arguing with a doctor, which either means I'm nuts or she might want to check out some research by curious health professionals.)

Anyway, to her point, we do need a good-for-you mix, but hers isn't it. First of all, the order should be re-ordered. Proteins and Healthy Fats first, then Carbohydrates...and those that come from "whole grains" can be largely misinterpreted. For instance, A whole grain muffin is typically loaded with sugar, transfats and hydrogenated oils. All of which are unhealthy and cancel out any of the health benefits of the grains, which may have at one point been whole. And, ideally, we should get our carbohydrates from vegetables. (Yes, most vegetables are carbohydrates.)

Furthermore, we can live without grains entirely. We never needed them in the first place. Didn't have them for a long time, actually.

Yet guys like Paleo Dude were able to populate the earth for centuries...without diabetes, heart disease or Fibromyalgia.

What's more. Grains make us fat...fat doesn't. (WHAT!)

And if the grains are the processed and refined kind, like white flour, (what the bulk of the American diet is comprised of) well, that contributes to the growing population of growing individuals who have chronically high blood sugar, high blood pressure, high LDL (bad cholesterol), low HDL (good cholesterol), high triglycerides, low moods, compromised immune systems, a propensity for pills and a great chance for being a contestant on shows like The Biggest Loser, which is the biggest bummer.

So how do we become the biggest winners?

Easy!

Cook.
Read lables.
Buy local.

And be among the curious, who see the restaurants on the "Healthy Fast-Food Breakfast" list (Panera, Dunkin Donuts, Subway, IHOP, McDonalds, Denny's, Au Bon Pain, Jamba Juice, Starbucks and Cosi) and become even more curious.

Then remember these simple principals:

As Paleo Dude might say:

"Meat good. No meat bad."
"Fat Good. Lowfat bad."
"Vegetables good. Flour bad."

But since the article only defines the kinds of carbohydrates we should eat (usually sugar and bad fat in disguise ) and not what kind of protein and fat we should eat, allow me.

First, the protein: Make it grass-fed, cage-free, or wild-caught. Those proteins are all loaded with good fats like Omega 3's, that come from cows who walked around in the sun and got lots of Vitamin D and healthy enzymes from the soil (yes, even modern soil). They didn't get lots of hormones and antibiotics and they didn't sit around inside crowded pens, defecating all over each other...and eating...duh-duh-duh GRAINS! It also comes from free-range chicken (skin on!) cage-free chicken eggs (yolks a must!) wild-caught salmon, sardines, etc...

And the fat? Same sources. The stuff that comes from grass-fed cows (butter, cream, whole milk, not skim. Sorry, First Lady, Obama. I know you mean well, but kids need lots of good, healthy fats for their growing brains and bodies and skim milk is just a leftover trend from the 80's that is almost as bad as mall bangs, except mall bangs won't contribute to our ever-declining health. Skim milk will.) More of the good stuff: olive oil, avocados, fish oil...(from fish) nuts, seeds and even LARD...animal, not Crisco.

And if you think this is going to stop your heart, I hope you will stop thinking that and start trying something new, because the low fat/high carb diet is killing us.

So go get your labs done, try a diet with the above principals, then get your labs done again in six months and see what happens. Not just to your numbers but to your body and your overall feeling of well being.

Or don't believe me and believe the CNN article. (Cringe.)

But remember this: Your body stores fat until the carbs are gone. It won't burn fat before carbs. And given the ratio of carb-to-fat in these breakfasts, "IHOP" you will see that the math is not in your favor.

If you'd like some resources from curious health professionals, see my post "How's that diet workin' for ya'?" From 2-9-11.

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

Dude, get a purse.

Guys, if you would be too humiliated to carry a leather bag, is hauling stuff around inside your anal cavity really a less embarrassing alternative?

Neil Lansig of Sarasota Florida thinks so. After his Drug Court hearing last week, he was sentenced to some jail time. Then, during a routine strip search, SURPRISE, deputies found an actual butt load of stuff in his butt.

And the items were:

-17 pills

-6 matches

-one cigarette

-one flint (?)

-lip balm

-a receipt

-a syringe

-a condom

-a CVS coupon (I love that one)

I guess the contents make sense for a guy with his lifestyle, but can't you get most of that junk in the joint?

Not sure, but what I do know is that it reinforces my stance on NOT SHARING LIP BALM. You clearly never know where it has been.

And how did Neil intend to redeem that coupon? I know when I'm in line at the drug store and I can't find something in my purse, I get really stressed out and apologetic. "Sorry." I'll say to the people behind me. "I really have to clean this thing out." Would Neil say the same thing as he dug around in his dugout?

Is that why some guys wear their pants slung so low? Booty-purse-access?

Will Louis Vuitton capitalize on this trendsetter's idea and create a line of tiny clutches?

Perhaps.

In the meantime, I'd suggest that purse-shy guys use a briefcase, a lunchbox, heck, even a Target bag will do. Because if you're trying to avoid ridicule by hiding stuff in your hole, I'm afraid you'll get it in the end.

To read more visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41607150/ns/us_news-weird_news/

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

It's National Visit-The-Elderly-Day!

It's not, really, but wouldn't that be nice?

Not just nice for the elderly, but for us too. Everyone needs a sage in their life. Someone who has been there and done that before there were washing machines and TV's and Hot Pockets. No one can put things in perspective like someone in their 80's or 90's.

I ran out of grandmas a couple of years ago so now I borrow my boys' great grandma on their dad's side. Grandma Rose. I visited her yesterday. She's awesome. Over 90 and smokes like a chimney. (Which I don't recommend. She has genetic momentum* and you don't.)

She's also hilarious and sassy and very honest. These are all traits that seem to propel a person into longevity. My grandma, Nan lived to be 100 and she used to say brutally honest things like, "Oh, Lynda. You're so nice and flat-chested." Or "You have a nice Roman nose." Or "Your sisters are so quiet and you're so peculiar. Isn't that nice?" I think she figured if she threw the word "nice" in, it wouldn't contribute to my self-loathing, even though people of her generation didn't bother with concepts like self-loathing because they were too busy trying to save ration tickets to buy meat for a family of nine.

See? Perspective.

Grandma Rose was telling me yesterday about her first husband who was a gorgeous, armed forces pilot. He died in a crash when she was in her thirties, leaving her to fend for herself and her five children. And she did. And her children are amazing adults. You can't accomplish that if you're not hilarious, sassy and honest.

Then we talked about all sorts of stuff like kids, families, relationships, gossip, addiction, Erma Bombeck, bingo and cremation versus burial, of course. But that's her reality, which I realized has never been much different than mine (work, kids, love, loss, and then the inevitable).

The one glaring difference was that I had to go and she had to stay...and sit...for hours. And even though she has daily visitors, that's a lot of space to fill.

Some people have to fill even more. Do you know any of them? Maybe you could pay them a visit today. Start with a phone call if you're nervous. The elderly are usually really loud and not adept on the phone, which is super cute and will probably make you smile. And they will smile because you made a connection.

So go ahead. Grab an extra latte and spend an hour with someone who would never pay ten bucks for coffee. (You must have a tiny brain in your nice, big head.)

Happy National-Visit-The-Elderly-Day!

*"Genetic momentum" is a concept I learned about from Dr. Cate Shanahan who wrote the book Deep Nutrition. She is not elderly but is a sage.

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

Who gives a crap?

There's a new Smartphone! With images in 3-D! You can play games and watch videos and even movies on your phone in 3 freakin' diddly D!!!!!!

Um. Don't care.

I even avoid this stuff in theaters. When something comes flying at me, I jerk back and start swatting. It's like the technology version of a gnat. No thanks.

But boy are people psyched about the new LG Optimus 3D-D-D-D-D-D...! (I added the extra D's for drama.)

I just read a CNN article that opens like this:

"What's better than receiving a text message? How about a text in 3D?"

Hmmm...

Well, CNN writer, Mark Millan, I can think of lots of things that are better than a text message. There's ice cream, new jeans or making out with John Leguizamo to name a few.

And is a text like, "Way to drink all the milk a**hole. Get some on your way home." really more special with an added dimension?

Maybe.

I guess new technology is good for the sake of science and whatnot, but do we really need another reason to ignore our kids and crash our cars?

Look, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. I'd just ask those of you who are into this stuff to geek-out responsibly. And maybe look up from your device now and again because there's lots of cool stuff in the real 3-D world too.

You can check out the CNN article here:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/mobile/02/15/lg.optimus.3d/index.html?hpt=C2

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

How's that diet working for ya'?

Now is typically the time of year when all of the best laid diet plans go straight into the toilet.

The thing is, the plan may have been the problem.

You had good intentions. You had a vision. You were SO ready to lose weight that you signed up for Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons...(is he even alive?) or you just went cold turkey.

And you did well...or pretty well...but eventually you took a sharp turn into a Burger King Drive Thru and had your way with Whopper or seven.

Not surprising. Not unusual. Not a bad thing, to be honest. (Not the drive thru part but the getting-off-that-"diet" part.)

Don't I want you to lose weight? (Sure. If you need to.) Don't I want you to feel better about yourself. (Of course.) Don't I want you to be healthy. (Yes.)

And that is exactly why I want you to take cover, because here comes a smart bomb.

Any diet that has you eating anything but real food (plants, animals and healthy fats) will not work well and will likely make you fatter, sicker and sadder.

Furthermore:

Anything that says "diet" on the label is probably not healthy.

Anything that says "low fat" will very likely make you fat.

Any diet plan that has you eating processed carbohydrates or too many complex carbohydrates (other than vegetables) is setting you up for failure.

Anything with artificial sweeteners will create anything but artificial problems.

Has the smoke cleared? Are you okay? Do you believe any of that? I hope so.

Why should you believe me? Am I a doctor, a nutritionist, a scientist? No, no and no.

I'm just a regular chick who learned all of the above the hard way and now I gorge myself on real food and the real research of the real doctors, nutritionists and scientists who know what they are talking about.

You should too. What do you have to lose?

Before you answer that, consult with your butt.

Now your thighs, your cankles and your gut.

And more importantly, consult with your heart, your brain and your actual gut. The one on the inside, where all disease (including obesity) starts.

Then, chew on some knowledge instead of that Lean Cuisine and see what happens.

May I offer you some literary snacks by nutrition brainiacs?

Deep Nutrition: Why Your Genes Need Traditional Food

(By MD Catherine Shanahan and Luke Shanahan)

Why We Get Fat

(By Gary Taubes)

Sugars and Flours: How They Make Us Sick, Crazy and Fat And What To Do About It

(By Joan Ifland)

Podcasts at Nutritional Weight and Wellness

(http://dishingupnutrition.podbean.com/)

Podcasts at Underground Wellness

(http://undergroundwellness.com/radio/)

Eat like a farmer, look like a supermodel!

Peace.

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.