I learned a new word this weekend. Beef. And if you think that word is reserved for just burgers and steaks, then you don't know any kids.
I know some kids, and "beef" happens to be their latest and greatest word for one of the most hilarious bodily functions around. The fart.
I was in Roseau last Saturday, at a hockey tournament, sitting in a super crappy diner between games, when one of our players approached the parent table to exclaim, "Dad, Tommy beefed on my hat!" I asked what "beefed" meant, and was delighted to hear that it was a sweet, new word for fart.
I remember a time when fart was the only word for fart. It was in the dictionary. I looked it up in Mrs. Smith's 4th grade class while she went outside for a smoke (also known as a "fag", back in the day, but that's another post.)
The definition read, "A small explosion between the legs." which made me beef, I laughed so hard.
I've always thought farts were funny. In fact, my first boss in advertising admonished me for it after it made it's way into one of my radio scripts. "We all think farts are funny, honey. Then we turn 12." Well, apparently, that's not true…at least for the group of awesome, fellow stunted-adolescents I was traveling with.
We laughed about it for days.
So for them, and others like them, I give you a list of other words I've found that mean "fart" through the ages - from 5th century Britain to beef.
Legend has it (okay, Wikipedia) that "fart" is one of the oldest words in the English language, emerging first as ferten, feortan or fatten. (I'm already laughing.)
You won't believe what happens next!
In other languages it starts with "p". Greek - Perdomai, Latin - Pedere, Sanskrit (Sanskrit? Like yoga Sanskrit? Well, people definitely beef in yoga.) - Pardate, Italian - Fare un Peto (Of course they make it sound romantic.) French - Peter (Sorry all Peters.), Russian - Perdet, and Polish - Pierd, which means, "break wind loudly". But we know in the states, that "pierds" can be silent but deadly. And since my kids are part Arab, I happen to know that fuss (sounds like "puss") is how you beef in the middle east.
Are you appalled, disgusted, outraged? Well, I will have you know, goody two shoes, that even the best and brightest dig beef. Chaucer, Jonathan Swift and even Ben friggin' Franklin wrote about farts. The latter, a whole essay that he requested be studied. Hahahaha! Oh, I love him even more than I did before.
INSERT DRAMATICALLY SAD MUSIC HERE
Fart fell on hard times somewhere in the 1920's when Thomas Wolfe and Earnest Hemingway had to cut it (intentional pause) from their work.
HAPPY, TURN-THE-CORNER MUSIC
But it exploded (yep) back on the scene somewhere in the 80's, with such classics as Walter The Farting Dog and The Gas We Pass.
Today, fart has many monikers. Just look at this sampling from the Urban Dictionary:
Air bagel
Anal volcano
Blow mud
Bottom burp
Cheek flapper
Crowd splitter
Drop ass
Fog slicer
Ghost turd
Gravy pants
Heinus anus
Jockey burner
Kill the canary
Painting the elevator
Quack
Shit vapor
Sphincter song
Stink Burger
Tail wind
The gluteal tuba
Under burp
And if that's not enough, just google it. There are many other words, books, blogs and even whole websites dedicated to the funk in our trunk. (That's mine. Just pulled it outta my…y'know.)
Peace
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