Holy Hilarious, Hosers!

Yesterday I told my brother that my youngest hockey player decided he wants to be a goalie.

$#@!%$

(That means I wasn't happy about it.)

My son's only at the Mite level but he's doing well and seems content. Why does he want to be the goalie?

Goalie is the position they have to draw straws for at this age. All the kids switch off playing goalie because most of them hate it and suck at it.

Not my son. He had one pretty good game and he loved it.

WHY????????

Yes, I want him to be happy but hockey is competitive in Minnesota. If he loses 2 months of ice time, he'll fall behind and may be stuck in that stinkin' net forever!

Plus it's nerve wracking when the game rides on your kid. It's not even fun to watch. I pee a little every time the opposing team even comes close to him. I start praying out loud and biting my nails and grabbing the sleeve of the poor, unsuspecting stranger who had the misfortune to sit next to me. It's awful.

But that's not the worst part. See, I've known a lot of goalies in my life. (Shutup.) They're nuts! And eventually, alcoholic.

Why is my baby drawn to that place? What does this mean?????

Well, my brother calmed me down about all that, then told me to watch this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdf4GeT4ELA

It's about a Canadian hockey goalie who has loftier aspirations than most. It's also FRIGGIN' HYSTERICAL. And a sense of humor is the dreamiest quality ever. (Yes, I know it's fictional. Yes, I know that the guy in the video is an actor, but he's also a real hockey player [I Googled him] AND he's a real, hilarious hockey player at that. Quite the combo. If he went to my high school, I'd have way more kids in their twenties besides the one.

Anyway.

If my little goalie turns out to be smart and cool and funny like Clark The Canadian Hockey Goalie, I'm okay with that.

Go watch it, hosers. Then give me a "shote".

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

My Princess Is A Smarty Pants!

This is my daughter. (No. Not actually. If Reese Witherspoon were my daughter I wouldn't be writing ads about taco chips and, tampons and adjustable beds for a living. I'd be doing yoga all day and whatever the hell else I wanted.)

Anyway.

My daughter is the epitome of Elle Woods. Cute. Sweet. Pink. Big-purse-small-dog kinda girl.

And what she also has in common with Elle is...

WAIT FOR IT

...straight A's this semester! Booya!

It's great. I'm really excited for her. Super proud of her. Feel compelled to brag about her.

But mostly, I'm perplexed.

How did this happen?

She's MY kid. The product of an albiet intelligent woman but one who never, ever, ever has seen an A in her life. (Okay maybe on my bra, and in that case it's double A. SIGH.)

And what's more, all three of my kids are good students. Maybe it's their dads'? (Two dads for three kids and I even married one, so stop judging.)

Yeah. It has to be the dad genes. Because even at 44, as I take Spanish classes on my very own, with the ability to advance at my own pace...even then I flunk myself. And while the other intentional learners are earnestly trying to assess how to conjugate a verb in the present perfect tense, I earnestly imagine how awesome it would be to insert a whoopee cushion onto the teacher's chair.

What gives????

Who cares.

My princess is a smarty pants. I'm proud of her and I want one of those braggy mom bumper stickers. You know "My child is on the honor roll."

Only, my "child" is 26 and has gone back to school after an extended hiatus. What does that bumper sticker look like?

MY 26 YEAR OLD GOT STRAIGHT A'S LAST SEMESTER AT THE U OF M, BITCHES!

No. Too wordy.

How about:

MY ADULT IS SMARTER THAN YOURS!

Nah. Too competitive.

Maybe:

MY KID DIDN'T REPEAT THE CYCLE OF ILLEGITIMACY AND ALCOHOLISM. IN YOUR FACE!

I know. Oversharing.

Jeez. Headlines are my life. You'd think I'd be better at this.

Well, feel free to make some suggestions.

And remember...

Be Cool. Stay in Skool!

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

Born Again Christian Says What?

So all those birds mysteriously fall from the sky to their deaths in Arkansas and who does Anderson Cooper decide to interview about it?

Kirk Cameron, of course.

???????????

Even Kirk was like, "Um, what am I doing here? You guys should call a vet. I don't know shit about this." (But he didn't swear because he's a polite guy who loves God, which makes him even cuter than he already is. Dreamsicle.)

But since he was in bunch of self-made Christian films about the End of Days, they nabbed him for the inside scoop...naturally.

Did you see the interview? Maybe you thought it was a dream. Maybe you went to work today and said, "Dude, I had the weirdest dream last night that Anderson Cooper interviewed Mike Seaver about that gnarly bird thing in Arkansas. Yeah, dude, the dreamboat from Growing Pains. I know. I need to stop sniffing glue."

Well, it's true. Check it out here:

here: http://videogum.com/260032/anderson-cooper-talks-to-kirk-cameron-about-all-those-birds-and-fish-that-died-obviously/tv/local-news/

I guess Urkel was busy.

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.

The coolest chick I know

Okay so I've never actually met her, but Anne Frank has made an impression on me like no one else.

I've always been fascinated by World War II. Maybe because I was fortunate enough to have been taught about it by a German woman who was smuggled from East Berlin to West as a baby. (And that woman, Hannah Stolen, from The Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary school in Maplewood, MN is the next coolest chick I know.)

So today I read that Miep Gies died sometime in 2010. He is one of the last surviving members of the small group of people who helped hide the Franks and their annex-mates during the Nazi occupation of Holland. According to the St. Paul Pioneer Press "When the family was betrayed, Gies preserved the writings left behind by one of the children. It was the diary of Anne Frank."

Thank you, Miep and thank you, Anne. Because this quote from "Kitty" in particular is one that has made an indelible mark on my brain:

"Despite everything, I believe people are really good at heart."

I remember almost fainting when I read that in 7th grade. And the next thing I remember was making Anne Frank my imaginary "bestie" for life.

I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions but I decided this morning that these are the words by which I will try and live every day of 2011...and hopefully the rest of my life.

You see, I don't care for people that much. And the older I get, the more judgemental and impatient I become. These are not nice qualities and they really don't work that well.

People like it when they think you like them, so I think I'll try. It will have to start as an act, but I am big on fake-it-'til-you-make-it so I'll start there.

I'll start with the dummies, I mean people who still think in 2011 that it's really cool to have a cell phone and use it anywhere they please in public.

Next I'll think of Anne when some A-munch retail employee gives me a chipper, "Sure don't." when I ask if they carry a certain product. And when they subsequently stare blankly at me and don't offer a suggestion about where I might find said product, I will leave instead of saying "You 'sure don't'? That's enormously helpful. You should totally keep working here. You're really good at this."

And when those in my life who eat entitlement for breakfast, apathy for lunch and a big bowl of "You take care of it, Lynda." for dinner, show me that they can shove their head even further up their a**, instead of imaging how fun it would be to drop a firecracker down their pants, I will think of Anne and wonder how in the hell she wrote such lovely, inspiring, and incredibly mature words during such a terrifying experience.

Ugh. I better go. I have a lot of work to do.

Happy New Year!

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc.