Who's the prettiest president?

Oh yeah. I know what's important. And I also know what wins. The "it factor". Even when it comes to the president.

It's no secret we've become a nation of celebrity worshipers, even when we create the celebrities ourselves.  (Hi, Snookie, Hi, all boy bands, Hi, Jerry Seinfeld's wife's cookbook.)

What up?

Maybe our over-sharing, hyper-stimulated, instant-gratification-addicted society has caused us to burn through all the people with actual talent and left us wanting more. And like a bunch of sad Giapettos, we are trying to turn Pinnochios into real boys left and right.

Regardless of his credentials, that goes for our Commander-In-Chief too.

These days, it's not enough for the leader of the free world to be strong, skilled, brave and level headed. He needs a little something extra. Like Certs...with Retsin.

Gimmicks rule. Especially during elections.

Some evidence:

In 1992 Bill Clinton, a guy no one really knew, put down his one-hitter, picked up his "ax" and showed the country what was really important in a president by playing an Elvis song on his sex-a-phone on Arsenio Hall. Even in my twenties, I was thinking,  "There's a talent portion to this program? What the hell is he doing?" Duh. Winning. The country swooned...even the guys. (Yes you did.) Then he acted like a frat boy and was impeached.

Next.

George Dub-ya.

Awwww, who's a wittle pwesident? Do you wanna be a politician when you grow up or a cowboy, Georgie? Both? Oh, you're so ambitious! Okay. Here's a ten gallon hat and a grudge. Giddyup!

Is it any wonder that the golden child was always one press-conference-question away from covering his ears and yelling, "Stop talking to me you poopy heads. I can't hear you!" No problem.

Next.

Oprah's pick for president. Barack Obamaaaaaaaaaaaaah. (Please read like Mya Rudolph playing Oprah on SNL or like Oprah.)

An Oprah endorsement? Instant "it factor". And it doesn't hurt that the endorsee is the face of America's melting pot, and that most women throw their panties at the TV every time he's on. (What? He's dreamy.)

Next.

Next? Why, what could be next? 

Doesn't the incumbent have a lock on 2012?

Well, I don't know. Has he learned to yodel the Star Spangled Banner or grow little Uncle Sam shaped potatoes in his organic garden? 

(SEXY MUSIC REVS UP)

Hey, do you hear that? Isn't that the stripper music from Gilligan's Island that plays every time Ginger shows up? It is! But that isn't Tina Louise, it's, it's....

Sarah Palin AND Michelle Bachman!!!!

Ohhhhhhhh, they're so pretty.

AVERT YOUR EYES!

But they're pretty. How can that be bad? They probably smell good too.

RUN AWAY!

But they're MILF's, GILFS, even, in power suits, and one of them wears glasses so she must be smart.

IT'S A MIRAGE. THEY'LL EAT YOUR FACE OFF!

Don't be silly. The short one has Angela Basset arms. She's strong AND pretty. I can't decide which one I like best. I pick both.

YOU CANT DO THAT!

We make exceptions for pretty people. Co-presidents seems nice and inclusive and all fairsey squarsey. 

BUT THEY DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT IDEA. LOOK THEY'RE WRESTLING!

Mud wrestling. Wow. That's hot. Heeey, maybe that should be their campaign slogan... delivered by Paris Hilton...and we could combine their names like Brangelina! 

Squee! Let's try it. 

Paris, take one:

PARIS: "Pal-man, that's hot."
SOME OFFICIAL SOUNDING DUDE: Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. The hot ticket.
  
(GRUNGE VERSION OF HAIL TO THE CHIEF)

And scene.

Think it can't happen? Maybe we should ask Jesse Ventura. If we can turn The Jersey Shore off long enough to send him a tweet.

The preceding in no way represents my political leanings because I don't have any. As my friend Steph says, I'm a walking contradiction. Don't let my composting OR my God loving inform your opinion of where I stand politically. I don't stand anywhere. I mostly just run around playing tag.

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