Hey you, don't be snootie, stick a camera up your bootie!

No, no, no. That's not what I mean.

Let your doctor do it.

YOU should never stick anything up your butt. No matter how far you are from home, how drunk you are, or how cute he is.

Are we clear? Okay.

So I just read an article on CNN.com about how the incidence of Colon Cancer is on the decline BECAUSE Colonoscopies are on the rise.

Yay!

However, Colon Cancer is still the second most common cancer in both men and women in the U.S. and results in about 50,000 deaths per year.

Boo!

Why? Because not everyone at risk is getting tested. 

Why? Because, as you may or may not have heard, Colonoscopies are actual, literal pains in the ass.

Not only is the procedure uncomfortable but the prep is too. But, as a wise doctor quoted in the CNN article notes, "So is dying young from a preventable disease."

What is young? Oh, forties (if you have a family history) or fifties-and-up if you don't.

So, what can you do?

Get screened, dude!

It's not that bad. (I had it done in my twenties for IBS junk.) Yeah, it sucked, but it wasn't as painful as giving birth. And back in the day, I had hangovers that made me want to kill myself. This was nothing compared to those.

So, have I sold you?

Good.

Bootie bravery rules!

Here is the CNN.com article. (Please read then get-er-dun!)

http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/07/05/colon-cancer-screening-saves-lives-but-more-need-to-do-it/

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc

Is it football season yet?

Hello, gorgeous.

This is our new quarterback, Minnesota.

Hiiiiiiii...

Even the Vikings know that when you're going through a rough patch, it helps to go buy something pretty.

His name is Christian Ponder.

He's 23.

He's from Texas. Or maybe Arizona. Who cares.

When he was in Kindergarten, his teacher told his parents he was so shy that she was worried he would get beat up.

Awwww.

Can he get any cuter?

He just did!

Well, I don't know jack about the gridiron, but I will be buying my first set of season tickets and I will be front and center come September...or is it August...can't it be June?

Maybe I'll just go drive really close to Winter Park, and "get a flat tire"... "in daisy dukes and a bikini top".

Gross. I'm 44.

Fine.

I'm totally getting a poster...and I'm making out with it...and I don't care what you say Tom Brady poster. It's over.

Skoll Vikings...(Sung like Marilyn Monroe sang Happy Birthday to JFK).

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc

I'm so glad the world didn't end.

Because next months is chock-full of awesomeness.

1.) Jury duty.

2.) Annual exam.

3.) My tabs expire on my car.

4.) My AFTRA and SAG dues need to be renewed.(And I haven't booked a SAG job in like 8 years.)

5.) Numbers 3 and 4 mean less Banana Republic shopping, AND it's two of my friends' birthdays, AND father's day AND daddy's birthday. (I don't care for some of the people on that list but I need to cough up anyway.)

6.) I still haven't found the perfect nude shoe for summer.

7.) I hate summer.

8.) Hockey season is only 133 days away.

9.) I'm short. (I'm always irked about that, but the above list just adds to the pain.)

10.) Every garden center is out of basil.

11.) No, purple basil isn't the same. 

12.) I'm not bikini-age-appropriate but thinner than ever. #@$!

13.) Annual exam. (Yes, I listed it twice. I have a HUGE crush on my OBGYN, making it extra awkward.) 

Of course, there are many things to be excited about, happy about, and grateful for...but they aren't funny.

Okay, June. Bring it. 

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc

This makes me happy to be alive.

I heard about this book on MPR last night and had to check my settings to make sure I was actually listening to MPR.

Yep.

Because the on-air guy said there was a new bedtime book called Go the F**k to Sleep.

Awwww.

(Not for kids, of course.)

It BLEEPED him on the F**k part but I knew what he said because I've thought it a million times.

This author is a genius. (And I haven't even read the book.) But the idea alone kills me. And the guy on the air read a passage from the book that was even more explative-riddled than the title. All woven into very traditional, bedtimey prose. Brilliant.

And whether or not you want to admit it, you have thought this as you tuck your darlings in at night. The day is done. You're done. Your eyebrows need tweezing. Top Chef is on and it's time to chill for a full 30 minutes before you pass out from exhaustion.

This book tells you, you're not alone. Because no matter how much you love your kids, (And no one loves their kids more than I do. Do not. Do not.)  it's work to be a parent (A good one, anyway.) and "me time" is an essential component of good parenting.

So get the book, kiss your babies goodnight, and if they want another glass of water, well, sucks to be them.

Mommy out.

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc

Pirates In Super Huge Trouble

CNN.com reported Tuesday that a couple of real, live pirates were recently sentenced to 439 years of prison each. (Yep, you read that right.)

Ooh, that judge must have been mad. (Read sing-songy like a street-wise girl making that wobbly-headed gesture.)

Maybe they are animated Disney pirates? How else could they live long enough to serve that sentence?

Or

Maybe the judge was so miffed he just completely tweaked out and threatened them with something that would never actually happen.

Kinda like when you were in high school and your parents did the old, "YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH!" Then two days later they were so sick of your stupid face they called your 21 year old boyfriend to come pick up their 15 year old daughter. (Or some random scenario that never happened to me.)

Anyway, back to the pirates. I can just hear the sentencing:

JUDGE:  So let's see, you guys hijacked a Spanish fishing boat and held 36 sailors hostage for 47 days? What the (BLEEP) is wrong with you? I suppose there was drinking...and girls too...and who was driving the boat, may I ask? Forget it. I don't even want to know. You make me sick. Why, I have half a mind to put you in prison forever. Oh, don't you look at me like that. You wanna be a big shot? Fine. You can just think about what you did in the joint for...for...for...439 years! Yes, I'm serious! And no phone!

However...

Turns out the maximum they'll serve is 30 years. (Maximum, so like 2 years.)

Told ya'.

And I bet they will totally get to go to prom.

Check out the story here.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/europe/05/03/spain.pirates.convicted/index.html

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc

Is your doctor a ding dong?

Like my brother says, "They can't all graduate at the top of their class."

Word.

Am I just jealous of doctors because I want to be a doctor? Yes, but that's beside the point.

And I should clarify:

I am not jealous of ALL doctors. I like the smart, cool forward-thinking kind. The big-picture doctors who ask questions and light up when you give them an answer because they're fascinated by science, not by themselves. I love doctors who dig for new information because they sense there is more to learn as opposed to the doctors who blindly regurgitate the stuff they were fed in medical school.

Speaking of regurgitating, let me introduce you to a couple of the doctors I don't care for...the ding dongs to which I referred in the title of this post.

Dr.'s Jamie Kaufman and Jordan Stern, authors of Dropping Acid: The Reflux Diet Cookbook and Cure.

I just saw a feature on their work at Health.com entitled 13 Foods That Reduce Acid Reflux.

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20440834,00.html

It gave me heartburn.

Now unless I missed the full title of the feature and it's actually called "13 Foods That Reduce Acid Reflux OR Make You Pee Out Of Your A$$", they're ding dongs.

I better go double-check real quick.

I'm back. They're ding dongs.

See, after suffering with acid reflux for years, I know which foods to avoid, but I'm not sure Dr.'s Kaufman and Stern do. If I ate some of the 13 things they recommend to avoid reflux, it would be a very unlucky 13 indeed.

For example, things like Oatmeal and Couscous (first and last on their list) would make me quite an unwelcome dinner companion. Because, like many who are prone to acid reflux, I am gluten-intolerant, making things like Oats and Wheat (contained in Oatmeal and Couscous) big no-nos.

But Lynda, not everyone is gluten intolerant.

Really? The protein in our wheat supply is 50% bigger than it was in the 1950's, (we messed with nature)making it difficult for everyone to digest, not just those with Celiac disease, not just those with wheat allergies and not just those with gluten-intolerance. Everyone. So if you're experiencing reflux, gluten is a likely culprit.

But if it's not bad enough that the Dr.'s Doi tout some of the very things that cause reflux, they also pull on their leg warmers, krimp their hair and get all 80's by dragging around the low fat craze and recommending things like stripping the skin off chicken and avoiding "high fat" salad dressings. But there is no warning to watch out for those dressings containing wheat or MSG or processed oils. (Some of the stuff that causes negative GI reactions.) And although they recommend broccoli, which is great, they neglect to recommend cooking the broccoli, which helps those with sensitive systems digest it.

Admittedly, I didn't read the book, just the Health.com feature, and maybe they touch on food intolerance in Dropping Acid, but if I were a doctor, which I'm not (MLEH...that's me sticking my tongue out.) I would make sure my footnotes were everywhere my work was published, because one of the good things doctors learn in medical school is "first do no harm."

I wish the reflux docs had regurgitated that.

Unfortunately, for those who of you who have reflux, I think the only way to avoid harm with this book, is to use it as a step stool to reach a better book.

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc

Seriously?

Kids keep getting boozed at America's chain restaurants:

-A 15 month old got a Margarita at an Applebees.

-A 2 year old got Sangria at an Olive Garden.

-A 4 year old got a "Mudslide" at a Chili's.

What up?

I'll tell you what. No one knows how to drink properly anymore.

What ever happened to a nice shot of whiskey? A stiff martini? A Scotch on the rocks? There's no way to accidentally serve a toddler one of those.

Not only is the way we drink messing with our kids, it's disrespectful.

Do you think that after our forefathers went to all the trouble of forging a new nation, they got together at an Outback for Daiquiris? I don't think so.

It was Cognac by the fire and you know it.

They knew how to drink like men. And so should we. (Yes, even if we're women. Wha.)

But the way most Americans drink is way more Ghetto than Gettysburg. (And I don't mean ghetto in the Elvis song kind of way, I mean it in the low-classy-pain-in-the-assy way - which has nothing to do with geography, race or economics.)

It's more like Britney Spears, barreling out of a Starbucks, weave exposed, last night's makeup smeared down to her filthy blouse and a sundae (disguised as coffee) in her busted-manicured hand.

That's not coffee! And where are your kids?

Probably at a Red Lobster sucking down Pina Coladas.

Oi.

Come on, America, class it up. Steer clear of the chains, make dinner at home, crack open a lovely bottle of wine and model for your kids how to drink (and eat) like civilized people.

It's safer, healthier and would make our founding fathers proud...and as Franklin might say, "If you don't have to make a trip to the ER after dinner, it will save you some Benjamins."

Copyright © Lynda Crotty Radio, Inc