"Heavens to Mergatroyd!"

When you are a parent, you tend to modify your pre-parent behavior...unless you are Britney Spears or Charlie Sheen.

MOST OF US...

...try and self-edit as we go along in an effort to raise children who don't turn out like Britney Spears or Charlie Sheen. (Hey, do you think they should they date? I think they should date.)

Okay, gross.

So the other day I was feeling really frustrated after having a keyboard-banging e-mail fight with someone who shall remain nameless...no, I'm not talking about you, you self absorbed $#@! And stop reading my blog!

Sorry.

Anyway.

I was making myself a civilized cup of tea and trying to decompress, and because my kids were in earshot, instead of ripping off a string of expletives, I exhaled big and said, "Heavens To Mergatroyd!"

???

Then I immediately busted out laughing at what a dork I am. And shortly after that, started wondering about the genesis of the phrase.

Really? Yeah. I'm a nerd. I like to get to the bottom of things. The word "why" is my favorite, besides "ass-hat" which I just heard today. More on that another time, though.

So I charged back to my computer and looked up "Heavens To Mergatroyd" and was reminded that it was made famous by a character in the Quick Draw McGraw cartoons named Snagglepuss. That's him "stage left". Remember him? I loved those cartoons. And I especially loved reenacting "El Cabong!"by whapping my little brother over the head with whatever guitar-like apparatus was close at hand. Like a toaster. (Good times.)

Okay so next I learned that Snagglepuss actually borrowed the term "Heavens To Mergatroyd" from the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz (played by actor Bert Lahr) who borrowed the term from himself from a character he played in the film Meet The People, whose creators borrowed it from a Gilbert and Sullivan play called Ruddigore. But wait there's more!

I guess there were like a a dozen characters named Mergatroyd (laaaaazy) in Ruddigore. So one theory is that the term was first uttered during the time the play was being written. Where did the name Mergatroyd come from, you ask? I know you didn't. And be glad you didn't because this is where it gets boring. It has something to do with English aristocracy and the district where some constable was blah, blah, blah. See? Boring.

So I made up my own theory. I think that one of the writers of Ruddigore was mad at the other writers for naming so many characters Mergatroyd that she exclaimed "Heavens To Betsy!", which the lazy writers thought was a cool phrase, but because they were lazy (and probably baked), they couldn't remember the phrase "Heavens To Betsy!", so they just stuck another stupid Mergatroyd on the end. Ta da!

Who cares anymore.

Regardless of all these useless forensics, I think "Heavens To Mergatroyd" is a great way to express exasperation in a kid-friendly way. It definitely allowed me to vent and it made me laugh to boot. So I wanted to pass it along to those of you like-minded parents who also want to police yourselves in front of your kids in an effort to avoid raising Sheens...or lazy writers:

My peeps wanted to get in on the game too, so below is a short list of G-rated submissions from friends and family:

-Jackapple (as in "What a Jackapple!")

-Cheddar (as in "Cheddar! I stubbed my toe.")

-Sara Jessica Parker (more authentic if you're gay but my gay friends are cool with me using it)

-Son of a... (then you don't finish like Chris Farley used to. It's kind of swearing but works nicely for those in transition.)

-Barnacles (From Spongebob. There are so many from Spongebob.)

and finally

-Co** Su**ing Mother Fu**ing Son Of A Whore. (If you're my dad and don't buy into this not swearing bullsh*t :) No wonder I had a baby at 18.

Oh and my friend Steph added "Fudge" which is super old and widely used. (Although she's one of the brightest people I know, when it comes to popular culture, she's the girl in the bubble.) She also doesn't read my blog enough, which will be obvious by the amount of time it takes her to yell at me for what I just wrote.

Hope that helped!

Send me your favorite non-swear words or phrases.

Peace out, Mother Fu**ers!

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