What is it with squirrels this time of year? They are so damn territorial. And they are NOT nice about it.
I understand they have work to do. Winter is coming. They've procrastinated. (Just because you didn't see them kickin' back with a Zima this summer, doesn't mean they weren't doing it.) What else would explain all the panic?
I understand procrastinating. I do it all the time. I just don't make it someone else's problem. (Okay there was that time in eight grade where I rushed into class late and demanded my friend Karen surrender her blue eyeliner so I could color in a map of European countries. But I thanked her and bought her a new eyeliner. )
When a squirrel scares the living crap out of me when I'm out for a walk, minding my own business and NOT threatening to take it's precious, stupid acorn, it does not apologize. It does not politely pardon itself for scrambling in front of me. And it should. I have birthed three children. When I get scared, there are consequences!
And all this for what, squirrel? Your nut? I don't want it! We humans have grocery stores, farmers's markets, bars where the nuts are free and plentiful (and yes, probably made with cotton seed oil, which is not healthy and those bowls are also teaming with germs ) but still! I DON'T WANT YOUR NUT. You're like those women with fugly boyfriends who shoot us that dirty look like, "Back off, lady!" Yeah. No problem. He's wearing a turtleneck...tucked into belted jeans. He's all yours.
My friend Molly actually witnessed a girl being attacked by a squirrel from her balcony once. She coincidentally met her a few weeks later and was like, "Are you that chick who was accosted by the squirrel?" And she was like, "Yeah." And Molly goes, "What up?" and the girl goes, "I was feeding it and it snapped." Nice, squirrels. She was feeding one of you and that's the thanks she got? You proud of yourselves?
Squirrels, I think it's time you take a good, hard, look at yourselves and maybe get a Google calendar so you can manage your time better. You've hit bottom and we have cars. Snap.
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